This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.) -- sharing this post with Tina

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed theLord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

I'd seen this poem on the web before several times, but when I saw it again the other day, now that I have a teenager myself, it took on a whole new life of its own! I laughed and thought, "This would be a great poem to share with all the moms out there!"

"Mean Old Mother!"

My daughter came
home from school one day,
With a smirk upon her face.
She
decided she was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

"'Guess
what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's
all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'"

It
says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one
can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have
freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have
to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear
earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read
& watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And
if you ever punish me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up
all my charges,
With whatever's on my mind.

Don't you ever
touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and
kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about
your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than
mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these
children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call
Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'

Mom's
Reply and Thoughts:

Of course my first
instinct was
To toss her out the door.
But the chance to teach
her a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over
carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
she's
messing with a pro.

Next day I took her shopping
At the
local Goodwill Store.
I told her, 'Pick out all you want,
there's
shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D
....
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead
of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take
your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide
what's best. '

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up
stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your
own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till
dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of
mine.'

She asked,  'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my
VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The
C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing
won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance
that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check
out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey
hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you
asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D...?'



MOM (Mean Old Mother)

Erma Bombeck's wit and humor were unparalleled. Her syndicated newspaper column often started and ended with something that made the reader laugh.

Her humorous views on being a wife and mother, particularly regarding housework, which she clearly found tedious at best (don’t we all?) just crack me up! It’s good to not take things so seriously sometimes, isn’t it?

Here is a small collection of Erma Bombeck’s (hilarious) parenting and household “tips”! Enjoy!!!

• Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter-productivity.
• I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.
• My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
• Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
• No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
• One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
• My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
• When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
• In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.